Chapter Text
Blitzø was feeling really proud of his new plan.
He had struggled for almost an hour to think of anything that wasn’t too obvious and decided to go have a snack in the office kitchen to help him think. He was practically inhaling hot sauce covered pieces of cheese into his mouth when he felt a chunk get lodged in his throat. He tried to cough but it wouldn’t budge, and then with panic he realized he couldn’t breathe. He flailed and ran out into the reception area, trying to get Loona’s attention, but she had her back to him and was listening to her music. He changed course and ran over to Moxxie and Millie’s desk where they stared at him quizzically. He pointed at his throat, again trying to cough it up but failing, and stared at them pleadingly.
“Oh sh*t, I think Blitzø is choking!” Millie ran out from behind her desk, but stopped once she was next to him. She didn’t actually know what to do, and started patting his back with some force, the look on her face very obviously telling Blitzø she had no clue if what she was doing was helping. Moxxie made his way around the desk and also started patting on Blitzø’s back, shooting his wife a nervous glance.
That sh*t was NOT helping, so Blitzø started to run in circles in a full on panic, tripping over the edge of a rug and crashing down to the ground hard. Luckily, his fall had caused the piece of cheese to dislodge enough that he was able to cough it up. He laid there trying to regain his breath for a minute before sitting up and pointing at the two employees accusingly.
“I…ALMOST… DIED!” He was gasping in air, glaring at them all. “And you just f*cking… didn’t do f*cking dick!” He knew it wasn’t their fault, but his near death experience at the hands of his favorite snack had really pissed him off.
Moxxie, being his usual grating self, held up a finger. “Remember when I suggested we have the entire staff CPR trained? You were the one that said it was stupid.”
“Because it f*cking IS stupid, Moxx!” Blitzø got up now, folding his arms over his chest. “We f*cking KILL people, what would we need that sh*t for? In case we almost kill someone and realize, ‘Whoops, wrong person, let me just recuperate you real quick!’” He rolled his eyes, turning his back to them, intent on going back to his office to sulk.
“Resuscitate,” Moxxie corrected.
Blitzø seethed for a second before whipping back around. “What the f*ck did you just call me?”
The smaller imp rolled his eyes. “Resuscitate, as in mouth to mouth resuscitation.” Blitzø glared at him, and shrugged. “You know, when you breathe into someone’s mouth to try to get them to breathe again?” His boss continued to stand there, staring at him, and didn’t respond. He sighed, and continued. “The word resuscitate means to bring someone who is unconscious or not breathing back to an active state. Recuperate means to recover from an illness, so it doesn’t make sense to use mouth to mouth for–”
“Holy sh*t, Moxx!” Blitzø grabbed the smaller imp’s shoulders, cutting him off from his rambling. To both smaller imp’s surprise, he wrapped Moxxie in a tight hug. “Thank you. This is JUST what I needed!” He let go of him then and sprinted into his office, closing the door behind him.
Moxxie stood there, blinking in confusion. “...What just happened?” Millie shrugged and they both went back to their own work.
An hour later, Blitzø reemerged from his office and crawled over some office furniture and up to the ceiling and pinned a banner that read ‘CPR TRAINING 2DAY. MOUTH2MOUTH.’ with a drawing of two horses making out that looked suspiciously like the boss and their newest employee. The others all watched him wordlessly at first before Millie was the first to speak up.
“Oh, Blitzø… no” she put a hand over her mouth, grimacing.
Loona looked up at it and then back at Blitzø, glaring. “No f*cking way.”
“Sir, this is pathetic, even for–”
“SHUT UP!” Blitzø screeched, scrambling back down to the floor after finishing hanging the banner. “Just.. shut.. UP. Let me f*cking do this ONE LITTLE THING without EVERYONE telling me it’s a horrible idea. It was YOUR idea anyway, Moxxie!” He pointed at the shorter imp, who stared open mouthed at him before chiming in.
“Oh no, Blitzø, you are NOT pinning this stupid idea on me!”
Blitzø glared down at him. “Fine, I’ll take all the credit, because it’s a GOOD idea. It’s BRILLIANT honestly.” He turned to look back at the banner, not wanting to see the glares from Moxxie or Loona or the pitying look from Millie. He sucked in a long, angry breath. “Do any of you f*cking get how f*cking ANNOYING it is to spend almost every f*cking minute of every f*cking day with someone you want to f*ck the sh*t out of?” Loona gagged and shoved her headphones into her ears, turning up her music as loud as possible. “I don’t want to just be ‘best friends’ with Stolas, it’s annoying.” He could feel the frustration welling up inside of him and took a deep breath to avoid the tears he knew were trying to work their way to the surface. “I keep saying I’m fine with it but it’s not f*cking fine, it’s sh*tty.” Another deep breath. “f*ck. Today already f*cking sucks, I almost died.. oh, and earlier today I found out my favorite horse actor actually died, and–” His voice cracked, and he sighed. “Just let me try this CPR bullsh*t and don’t be f*cking… assholes.. okay?”
Millie and Moxxie blinked. It was rare for Blitzø to be even the smallest bit vulnerable in front of them, and despite knowing this idea was completely idiotic, they felt sorry for him.
Moxxie was the one who broke the awkward tension by shrugging and simply stating, “Fine, but I’m not participating and neither is Millie. And you are not telling Stolas it was my idea.” His tone was harsh, but there wasn’t actual anger behind it. He did feel for Blitzø, despite how stupid he was being.
Blitzø scrunched up his face. “Gross, Moxx, as if I want to make out with you if Millie’s not there.” He flipped him off as he headed back into his office, closing the door.
Despite it all, both imps smiled at one another.
“Well, at least he’s starting to be a little bit honest with himself,” Millie reasoned, shrugging. “Lets just stay out of the way and let them figure it out.”
Moxxie nodded, glancing at the clock. It was almost noon, meaning Stolas would be back soon.
—
When Stolas returned to the office, the look on his face made it clear he was not looking forward to his mandatory CPR training.
“What’s… that for?” He had asked Loona first, who pointed to her headphones and ignored him. He turned to Moxxie and Millie, wringing his hands nervously. The two of them exchanged a look that Stolas couldn’t decipher, and then Moxxie spoke up.
“Blitzø says it’s mandatory,” his face was tight, and Millie had smiled and given him a thumbs up, which seemed odd to Stolas but he didn’t question it.
Blitzø burst through his private office door moments later smiling widely up at the owl. “Heeeeey Stolas, ready for CPR training?” He was ushering into his office, but Stolas didn’t move.
“What do we need CPR training for?” Stolas tried to hide his nerves while also refusing to move from where he stood.
Blitzø bounded over and closed the distance between them, grabbing the owl’s hand and leading him back over to his office.
“BeCAUSE, I care about my f*cking employees, am I right??” He gestured around to the others to no response. He shot them all looks before smiling back up at Stolas. “Aaand I want to make sure that we all know what to do in an emergency.”
Before they could get through the office door, Stolas took his hand back and took a step backward. “I.. could we do it tomorrow? I’m not really feeling up to it today.” He set his bag down on his desk and took his phone out as he sat down in his chair.
Blitzø started panicking internally. He had worked up the courage to do this today, and probably by tomorrow he’d realize it was a bad idea. He had to do it before he came to his senses!
“Uhhhhhhhhhhh…” Quick, think of something! He could lie and say a health inspector stopped by and said it had to be done today… but the stupid f*cking owl was way too smart for that and would probably figure out it was a lie and then how would he explain it? sh*t, he really should have thought about this beforehand.
As he stood there in silence trying to think of a good lie, Stolas fidgeted before breaking the silence himself. “What made you even decide to do this today?”
“Oh, I almost choked to death earlier,” he waved a hand flippantly, answering him honestly. “None of them even helped me” he gestured at the others, rolling his eyes, a noise of protest coming from the other side of the room. Blitzø ignored it.
Stolas’ hand shot up to his mouth and his eyes widened. In an instant he was crouched down by the imp, hugging him tightly. “Oh no, Blitzø.. Are you okay??”
“What? Oh, yeah I…” oh, wait, this was his in! “I… I mean… it was really scary. My whole life flashed before my eyes and one of the last things I thought was,” he let out a long, dramatic sigh. “If only I had done that CPR training with everyone, someone could have saved me with mouth to mouth...” he slowly lifted his hand up behind Stolas’ back and squinted at the word he had written on his palm, trying his best to sound it out. “re..susi…cration.” He dropped his head onto Stolas’ shoulder, faking a sniffle.
A loud groan came from the other side of the room now, but Blitzø ignored that too. He gently patted Stolas on the back who then let go of the hug, staring down at the floor for a bit before looking back up. “I’m so sorry Blitzø. You’re right, it is important, I’m sure.” He stood up, gripping his phone in his hand. He began typing furiously but looked up momentarily. “Let’s go,” he said quietly as he slowly began walking into the imp’s office as he went back to typing on his phone.
Blitzø walked over to his desk and turned around to find Stolas had stopped a few feet from the door, still staring at his phone, scrolling through something. He walked back over to the door and closed it himself, then walked back to his desk. He watched the owl for a few moments and both were silent. He couldn’t tell if he was sad or angry, and was about to open his mouth to say something when Stolas’ head snapped back up, a wide smile on his face and his entire demeanor suddenly changing.
“Sorry, I was just looking up the proper technique,” He moved towards the desk and stood across from the imp, continuing to smile at him warmly. “I’m ready, Blitzy!”
Blitzø smiled back, relieved that the owl seemed to be in a good mood again. “Alright, cool!” He hopped up on top of his desk, then looked down at all the things on top of it. “So, uh…” he used his foot to quickly shove everything off onto the floor. He then turned his body to the side, made a loud gasping noise, grabbed at his throat, stuck one foot up in the air, then let himself fall backwards onto his desk with a thud. He wheezed a few times, twitching, before exhaling loudly and going limp on the desk, closing his eyes.
It was silent for a moment before the owl spoke up. “...What are you doing?”.
“I’m dead, I need to be…” he sucked in a breath and slowly opened one eye, holding his hand out just below the top of his desk where he hoped Stolas couldn’t see, and read from his palm again. “Respe..cticated.” He quickly dropped his hand and closed his eyes again.
“Oh. Okay.” Stolas stepped up to the desk slowly and stood over him a moment, before lowering himself slightly and placing both hands on Blitzø’s chest and pressing on him, hard, repeatedly.
Blitzø’s eyes shot open as he was throttled against his desk. “Ow ow OW, f*ck Stolas! What are you doing?” The owl stopped immediately, blinking in surprise. Despite the fact Stolas had lost his powers in the trial, he was still really f*cking strong, and that sh*t hurt.
“I’m doing chest compressions.” He moved to start doing them again but Blitzø shot a hand up to stop him before sitting up and rubbing his chest.
“No, Stolas, you’re supposed to use mouth to mouth to…” the hand rubbing his chest slowed down and he very carefully turned the palm towards himself, lowering his gaze very slowly. “recrustibate me.”
Stolas smiled and shook his head. “Actually Blitzø, I looked it up, and they say that you aren’t supposed to use mouth to mouth anymore and that doing chest compressions is better.”
Blitzø furrowed his brow and stared back at him. “Wha– who f*cking says?? Who the f*ck is they and why are they co*ck blocking me–and, and anyone who might be dying?”
If Stolas thought anything of the co*ck blocking comment, he didn’t show it on his face. “Medical professionals.” He shrugged as held his phone out to show the article he had been reading, then hit the back button to show many more search results saying the same. He smiled down at him and the owl’s blissful, adorable little face was starting to piss him off.
“NO!” Blitzø threw his arms up in frustration, glaring at the owl. He could feel his temper rising, and he tried to hold it back because he knew it was unfair to blow up at him right now. “Medical professionals my ASS!” He mocked the owl’s accent as he said medical professionals, also throwing up air quotes as he did it. “Just… just practice doing it the sh*tty way.. FIRST… and then we’ll do it your stupid way…”
f*ck, he should not be yelling at Stolas like this. This was not the plan.
Stolas’ smile dropped, and he leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest. “That doesn’t make any sense, darling.” He huffed, a hint of annoyance rising in his voice. “Why on earth would I practice a method that is more likely to leave you dead? Honestly, if you’re so concerned about us knowing how to do this, you could have researched it yourself beforehand. I understand you were scared, however–”
Blitzø wasn’t paying attention anymore because hearing the word ‘darling’ had short circuited his brain. He just blinked at the owl, who looked really f*cking hot when he was angry, trying to gather his thoughts.
“--and I don’t appreciate being told so last minute about this kind of thing anyway, but I’m here trying, and I also don’t appreciate your tone, or you mocking me, so maybe you could be a little more–”
f*ck, he should apologize probably. He shook his head and stood up so he was closer to eye level with the owl, who was still rambling angrily at him.
“--and you never listen to me, like the time I told you that not to cut into that funeral procession because it was distasteful, or when I told you that you need to wring out the sponge before leaving it in the sink, or when–”
Stolas placed both palms on the edge of the desk, leaning forward. They were practically at eye level now, and Blitzø quickly forgot that he wanted to apologize and instead focused on the way the owl’s chest floof was sticking out over his partially unbuttoned shirt. His insides started swirling around and he felt himself suddenly growing irritated again.
“--honestly, and… are you even f*cking listening to me?”
“Stolas, shut the f*ck up.” The owl faltered, caught off guard. Blitzø grabbed both sides of his face and held him at eye level to him, glaring intensely, breath ragged. “Just.. f*cking.. MOUTH TO MOUTH ME.”
Neither man said anything for what felt like a very long time.
Blitzø started to think–know–that he totally f*cked up, but he continued glaring at the owl and holding his face anyway because you know what? He wanted to be petty. If Stolas got to be a petty bitch, then so did–
His thoughts were cut off as the owl practically launched himself onto the imp, wrapping his arms around him. Blitzø quickly wrapped all four limbs around the owl as they thudded onto the desk, aggressively shoving their mouths together.
The sounds of objects being knocked over and flung across the room behind the closed office door caused Moxxie and Millie to look up. Loona still had her music on and remained oblivious.
“Well either Blitzø’s plan went well or it went really badly..” Moxxie said, flinching at the sound of a lamp smashing against a wall from within the office. “We should probably just let them–Millie!!” Moxxie gaped in disapproval at his wife who had almost immediately ran over to the door and pressed her ear against it.
“What?” She shot up an eyebrow at him. After listening for a few seconds a mischievous smile spread across her face and she turned back to her husband, giving him a thumbs up. “Oh, sounds like his plan went really well.”
She was about to head back to her desk when the door flung open. Stolas stood there, shirt halfway unbuttoned and hanging off his shoulder, feathers ruffled, and tears in his eyes. All three employees stared at him and he stared back for a moment before sucking in a breath.
“Excuse me, Millie!” His voice was shaky as he gently stepped around her. Once he passed her, he burst into loud sobs and sprinted to the exit, flinging the door open, and disappearing through it.
The three stared at the open door Stolas had just gone through before slowly turning their gaze back to Blitzø, who now stood in the doorway to his office, no jacket, one boot off, shirt completely unbuttoned.
An unasked question hung in the air as all three employees had incredulous looks on their faces all pointed at him.
“I don’t f*cking KNOW!” Blitzø threw his arms up in frustration, digging in his pants pocket to find his phone. “Where the f*ck.. Has anyone seen my phone? I gotta call him to make sure he’s–”
Loona held it out to him, Blitzø remembering he had set it on her desk earlier when he went to put up the banner. He thanked her and then grabbed it from her. He turned the screen on and felt anxiety blooming as he saw he had a message from Stolas.
“What’s wrong?” Millie asked, stepping forward. “Is he okay?” Moxxie and Loona both got up and walked over to the doorway, peering out into the hallway to see if they could figure out where Stolas had gone.
Blitzø’s heart dropped a bit as he realized the message was from earlier, and shook his head. “He texted me but... I thought he just texted me to let me know where he went, but this was from a while ago.” He read the message anyway and felt a lump in his throat. He kept staring at the message, feeling his heart thud in his chest. Tears pricked at the corner of his eyes against his will.
Loona and Moxxie had both returned, not able to tell where the owl had gone. When the hellhound saw the look on father’s face, she frowned.
“Blitzø?” Loona looked down at him, concern etched across her face. “Is he.. okay?”
He stared at the phone screen a moment longer, tears now falling down his cheeks. He sniffed loudly, and slowly turned the screen out for the others to see.
Blitzø: js fond owt mi fav honse actor dyed 2day
hit bi trane
i lov dat honse stols
Stolas: Lol 💖
“Why would Stolas be LOLing at this?”
Blitzø wasn’t afraid to admit it anymore. He was NOT fine with ANY of this, and this was f*ckED.
